he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
cat food counts as protein by the way
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
