Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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