you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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