That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
