My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
So squirting runs in the family.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
