No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
