i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
