I just cut my nipple shaving
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
