I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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