based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Randomize
