I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
