this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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