I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
