Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
