her vagine was all disorganized.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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