just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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