i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
