Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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