Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My dick has a subreddit
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
