I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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