just tell him i said nine months
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
