i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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