I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
