All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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