It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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