i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
