I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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