I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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