i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
