I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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