I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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