I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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