Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Randomize
