I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
