my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
