i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
