Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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