hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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