My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
