I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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