i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
