I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
