new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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