My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
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