i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
is wine microwaveable?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
