I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
