i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
