areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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