What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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