it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Houston, we have a blender
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
not ubering you a puppy
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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