I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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