I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
