I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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