My underwear smells like fireworks.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
it was like eating out sand paper
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
